Before Giving Advice, Ask This First

Learn why asking “Do you want advice or just to talk?” can strengthen relationships — and make help more meaningful.

We’ve all been there: a friend or client pours out something personal, and our eager instinct is to jump in with answers. But a recent New York Times article reminds us of a simple but profound step we often skip: ask whether they want advice or simply want to be heard. Research shared via the Association for Psychological Science shows that unsolicited advice is often rooted in our own biases—and can unintentionally hurt rather than help. 

Why That Question Matters

Advice can reflect our own experiences, not theirs. We tend to share what worked for us, even if it doesn’t fit their situation. 

Unsolicited suggestions may feel dismissive—or even damaging. Particularly in vulnerable moments, people may just need to process, not problem-solve. 

Listening builds trust; advice builds resistance. When people ask for help, they value it. But if it’s forced, it’s often ignored—or worse, resented. 

A Better Approach: Ask First

When someone opens up, try:

“Do you want advice, or would you rather I just listen?”

This simple question honors their pace and invites clarity.

Why This Matters in Therapy and Everyday Life

In our sessions, and in our relationships, this question opens space for real connection. It helps people feel seen, not steered. It models a way of being with others that prioritizes presence over pressure.

Your Takeaway

Next time someone shares something heavy: pause. Ask what they need. Be the listener they’re longing for — or the guide they explicitly invite. That is the beginning of meaningful support.