Fawning: When People-Pleasing Gets in the Way of You

Fawning—agreeing, people-pleasing, avoiding conflict—is often a trauma response, not kindness. Learn how to recognize it and reconnect to your true needs.

In relationships, both personal and professional, it’s easy to confuse "fawning" with kindness or empathy. However, a recent article in The New York Times sheds important light on how this seemingly helpful behavior can actually get in the way of connection and self-expression.

What Is the Fawn Response?

Fawning is a trauma response—one of the four survival strategies alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Rather than confronting conflict or withdrawing, fawners over-accommodate, people-please, and minimize their own needs to stay safe or keep the peace.

Why It Often Derails Relationships and Lives

• It erodes personal boundaries and identity.

  • Chronic approval-seeking can leave someone feeling invisible, exhausted, and disconnected from their own needs .

• It’s often unconscious—and socially rewarded.

  • Fawning doesn’t look like fear—it looks like kindness. And society tends to praise it, making it harder to spot as a coping mechanism .

• It’s amplified in our digital age.

  • Especially for Gen Z, online validation (likes, comments, messages) often fuels a constant loop of people-pleasing behaviors disguised as social connection .

How to Begin Shifting Out of Fawning

1. Recognize it as a survival strategy, not a personal flaw. Understanding that fawning evolved to keep someone safe—even if those strategies are no longer needed—is a radical act of self-compassion.

2. Practice small boundary experiments. Try voicing a preference in low-stakes moments: "Where do you want to eat?" Pause. Ask yourself what you want, even if saying it feels uncomfortable.

3. Build internal validation. When the impulse to people-please arises, pause and ask: Am I doing this from fear or authenticity? Over time, learn to affirm yourself—not just through others’ approval.

4. Consider trauma-informed support. Therapy, especially approaches informed by complex trauma (like CPTSD), can help cultivate a grounded sense of self beyond survival mode.

Final Thought

Fawning isn’t meanness or weakness—it’s survival. And like any survival strategy, it served a purpose. But when it stops serving and starts erasing who you are, it’s worth learning a new way forward.